I Do You See

Sometimes

2012-01-06T22:48:00.002+08:00

We have the tendency to hope for things that won't happen, like turning back time.

What happens now?

Last few hours of Year 2011

2011-12-31T19:09:00.002+08:00

Being the last day of the year, I cant help but to reminisce and reflect on about what I went through this whole year. It has been 5 years since I came here all, set myself up all by my own. Starting from "0".

It feels like an eternity and also a blink of an eye. Learned a lot of things the hard way, for the lack of someone to give me the right advise and showing me the ropes. I guess like what a good friend if mine "Lionel Yeo" said; "despite of how we all used to be and our background, I'm pretty proud of how we turned out to be".

True that.. my friend, true that.. We never were the "A" graders, we hardly were the schools favourite few, we never entered some fancy Uni doing rocket science. We were just in between and we came out all different and actually most of are way ahead. I didn't realize until i actually sat down and thought about it.

I went back to St Jo's about 5 to 6 months back and met our then supervisor/asst. principal, she remembered me and technically the whole group of us! she was so proud and kept telling me about the rest of our guys (the not so A or B class students who were not so teachers favourites back then) reminding me how naughty and rebellious we used to be and how we are now so much ahead with the rest of our peers. It really feels great to be acknowledge like that, I was asked a few time to go back to school and give talks to the now current "in between" students to motivate them. But unfortunately my work schedule then was too tight. However I did manage to do such talks to schools in almost every state except Sarawak! I even did a few talks like this in Labuan.

I think, to date, I have done at least 40 such talks to students, at least 30 purely Team building workshops and camps for students, probably about 20 for teachers/adults.

Indeed, we turned out just fine!

I guess when you're done with school, you're next challenge is the streets.

Street smarts now get to be where they thrive.

I really would like to say congratulations to each and everyone of my homepeeps who have gone through hell those days and are still going through hell now, but we're not breaking a sweat. KUDOS!

We've come a long way.

There's still more to go.

------------------------------------------------------

Despite that, I still find many things challenging. I hope the year 2012 bring more hope and happiness.

I hope I will find myself again.

I hope you are doing fine.

I wish you a happy new year.

you may not know it, but I actually really do care.

Christmas Eve.

2011-12-24T21:03:00.002+08:00

A Quiet one it is this year like the many years before since I came out of the comfort of home to be on my own for studies and work. All this while I persevered and told my self things were going to be different; Things are gonna' change.

This Christmas I thought was going to be different. I indeed I believed it was for a very short while this year. When she came, I thought I finally have the very least a friend, a friend that for some reason whose friendship meant a lot to me. I don't know why, maybe that's just the way it is for me.

Having lots of people around me sometimes means nothing at all. I never lacked company even during Uni. days, mom and my mentors at work and Uni said some personalities are like magnets. But I think I'm more like the magnet that pushes everything away, because I already know what I want. Not saying I don't like company, I do indeed love to share good company and laughter with friends. I just appreciate moments and time with special people even more. To me these things mean the world to me sometimes.

Maybe that's what made me so frustrated when I sort of realized perhaps it was just me that felt all this was special, and valuable. Maybe the special friend I thought I had in her was just something I hoped for but not what reality has for me. Maybe my anger is just a manifestation of my disappointment. Because, I never knew or believed I would be so angry at her, that it hurts, more than a bruise.

Since then, I have lost interest in most things and decided to just let my life revolve around work or whatever consumes the most of my time and energy. I just want to get back home at the end of the day, burned out so I can just fall asleep, not having to roll in bed going through my insomnia, having my mind wondering over things because from then on; my mind wonders over that incident like it just happened yesterday.

I even still have that bbm text of that last painful conversation in my phone. I don't even know why I still have it. everything else I have a habit of deleting periodically, but I guess this is my reminder that my reality isn't at all near perfect. Even if I tried for things to be good. other people may not necessarily think that way too.

---

Today is my mum's birthday. I called her up to wish her happy birthday. Her first question to me was: what are you doing? I said I was cooking my Christmas eve dinner.
She asked me why? I just said cos my house mates are going out so are my other friends and I just feel like staying home.

I cannot believe her next remark, which was "oh why don't you invite J##e over to eat?. I stunned myself for a second or two there, I was gonna say, mom, I don't even know where she is or what she's up to., I don't think I would ever know anymore.. (well, at least that was the reply I thought of in my head).

Reality: I just mumbled something which I don't think I can even hear myself saying, which didn't makes sense and I was probably just mumbling random sounds and words.
eventually I had to do something with both hand, and then told her to hold on. So when I was back on the phone I talked about something else. My mom likes her so much why?!?

ARrGhh... rub it in mum.. rub it in... Anyway it's her birthday and she doesn't know what happen in my life on a daily basis. so I shall not complain.
Well, mom, I lost something very valuable to me, a friend, or maybe she just doesn't think I'm not worth her friendship, either way. So that's why I'm deciding to spend time alone, quietly away from all the unnecessary pressures.

I actually bought her a card to wish her Merry Christmas, but I guess this is one card that will not be sent but instead be left in the drawer. nonetheless, I hope she's having a good time. That's the least I can wish for this Christmas.

I hope things will change for others and myself.

I pray and hope, the homeless will find shelter,
The hungry will find a decent meal,
The sick will find some comfort,
The abandoned will be found,
The sad will have a reason to be happy.
People will not take things for granted and appreciate what they do already have.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

I'm not perfect; But I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start.

2011-12-19T23:19:00.001+08:00

Perfect - Hedley

Darryl Worley - I Miss My Friend

2011-12-16T21:32:00.000+08:00

Some Of Us - Starsailor (literal version)

2011-12-04T17:55:00.000+08:00

I'ma coping...

The angel that dropped you down and hard.

2011-11-27T15:44:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile.

It feels like almost forever.

3 months of good times felt like 30 seconds that passed an hour ago.

So distant yet fresh in my memory.

1 month that felt like an eternity of hurt.

I'm not surprised I counted days.

Maybe some things do mean a lot unlike some people.

Despite trying to get back in the life I used to have before any of this, trying to drown my self in work, hitting deadlines way before it expires just so that my table has no room for my feelings that I do not want to know.

I thought this life I used to have was over when you walked in, it really was just the beginning.

I didn't see that there are changes I can't control, change in people I can't deny.

Every weekend I can't wait for the week to start. I don't need this void, this extra time to remind me I've lost something.

I just want to go and do what I've got to do, do it right, be the best at what I do, come back at the end of the day, get rest if I can and start the next day all over and filling it up.

I'm pretty sure people like you would have no problem at all, after all what significance is this to you right?

I tried, but your perfect world was just to perfect and naive for me to be part of. I can understand why don't understand a thing I say, you just have to learn it the hard way everybody else does.

I'm still sorry all you and the likes of your kind see yourselves as the best there is, I tried to show you reality, simple principles, simple and honest friendship. I cared.

I hope you find you reality soon.

I still hope I can not have to remember any of this.

I don't want to have to think and decide if I'm angry or sad.

I'm still struggling with this fact.

I really one day you realize why never had any value to you meant so much to me.

Some people smile, some people cry, some people smoke, some people lie,

maybe it's just the way we cope with our lives.

Spot on.

2011-11-14T21:27:00.000+08:00

True that

2011-11-11T22:43:00.001+08:00

Over time, you really just realize how insignificant you can be to others.

Long Gone

2011-11-09T22:10:00.001+08:00

That's what it is.

Irreversible

2011-11-06T02:19:00.005+08:00

It's been awhile now, I still feel that disappointment but I guess some words when said cannot be taken back. Since you were so confident that was what I meant, or maybe it was what you wanted so you you could just assume what you thought. After all, you're always right ain't it.

Well I hope one day, you realize when you actually have time to sit and think about it. If that was what I wanted, would I have done all that I've done. Would I have even bothered at all. Or maybe to you, nothing done was valuable enough, since such thoughts and words can be assume and said so easily.

I spent a long time figuring out if I am actually angry or sad. I think it hit me today that it's more than that. I am disappointed, I've been thinking about it on a daily basis, I have been re-living those days in my mind and the more I re-live it, the more I see and feel the pinch of what I did, and how this is now. The more I understand, clearly nothings worth your thought.

You really changed, and I know you never realized it. You will still be there, right now thinking there nothing wrong, its me talking cryptic and all. Yes, it's my fault for not making your life easy, for not making you understand. Because, I'm just not worth that time and effort to actually try.

Talk about running into walls, yeah.. you're the only one running into walls and I've never got into any.

I don't know why I got into this mess, I should have just stayed away from the beginning. I don't trust easily but the moment I trusted, it just had to be you, and the reason it shattered, it had to be you.

Everything you say or do, now to me seems just something you say for the sake of saying, the things you do, for the sake of doing. I could be wrong, but even if I'm wrong, what made me think this way?

I thought when you came around, things would be better, you would have made some things more meaningful compared to how things were before. I have so many people in my life but I choose who matters to me. Clearly I choose wrong. A mistake I pay now with this feeling I cannot take away, even as I'm thinking and typing this right now, I feel like picking up my laptop and throwing it to the wall shattering it to pieces. Because all this doesn't matter to me anymore.

I don't need somebody to watch the movies with, I hate movies now.

I don't need somebody to go running with me, even though I hate running. Fuck running.

I don't need somebody to go have dinner with me to remind myself I'm human too.

I don't need somebody share my hobbies or interest since all along I've been taking photos by my own.

I don't need somebody to spend time with even thought those awkward quiet moments are still considered precious.

I don't need somebody to actually think for and care about because who am I to care when the person doesn't even cares.

I don't need somebody who has meant so much to me for a long time even without realizing it.

I don't need somebody to try to be nice to me, because I strictly believe that only if a person naturally does what they do for another person without any request or indication the feeling of being at the receiving end is just so great that words cannot describe.

I don't need somebody who seems to be the best thing that ever happened for 2 months and all

that disappears suddenly.

I don't need somebody who thinks that what they believe is always true. Being book smart gets you places, because being street smart, gets you there too with much more effort and time and it teaches you to survive. This is something only time will tell.

I don't need somebody who takes everything I've offered and given, mentally, physically and most importantly emotionally, break it to crumbs and serve it back to me like a piece of worthless paper.

I don't need somebody who can tell me "no need to be friends" over something they assumed. Even IF it was true, being able to say such things clearly imply that such friendship has no value to you because it doesn't matter if I'm a friend.

I don't need somebody who thinks I'm a douche bag, because I am unhappy about some things and just don't feel like talking about it, just because I believe that if a person really wanted to, all they needed was to try and see things from a bigger picture and try to understand. If all I am was a douche bag, then now I know, you were a friend, a very important one to me, and I was just a douche bag to you. So much for a balances and mutual equation.

I don't need somebody who I will always be there for, ready to step in even when things are hard for myself.

I don't need somebody to remind me that I'm at the other side of the glass wall trying very hard to get over and be there while you look the other way.

I don't need somebody to remind me that I can feel this miserable yet, so angry and disappointed that I don't know how to look at you now.

I don't need this.

I don't even want to be here anymore, I don't see a reason at all.

All because something so precious and important to me is broken and I will never be able to fix it to the way it should be.

I guess this is the one and only thing I ever really cared about here, it broke and it's also the only one thing I cannot fix.

I wish you have it all good from now. I hope with this "douche bag" gone, you don't have to bang into wall, I hope with this cryptic speaking person, you don't have to spend time trying to figure out something that doesn't matter to you.

Pain that won't go away

2011-11-01T21:07:00.003+08:00

I hate this feeling. It sucks.

I'm so pissed how things can be assumed so easily, and I'm frustrated all this happened.

WTH is all this..

It's sad to see when all you've done is worth nothing. When you weren't even asking for much.

Rained like mad

2011-10-28T22:20:00.002+08:00

It guess it wasn't just the weather that went dark.

today like yesterday, another day burned.

No productivity. Don't even know why I went to work.

Just want to leave. nothing makes sense.

Ripped

2011-10-27T22:41:00.003+08:00

Today, I'm still digesting these thoughts.

It's so twisted I don't know why do things like this even happen.

why is it so hard to see what you've become.

look at the things you can say, or maybe I just never knew enough.

I hope it was me not knowing enough, at least that proves the other possibility wrong.

I hope one day you'll realize, It's not about hate, it's not about anger, and it's not about putting you down. It only looks that way because, you only see it from your direction. But that doesn't really matter now does it?

All you think about are things you believe are true or what makes sense to you. Then I hope this time you are right. I hope I am the first and the last that you have to experience this.

If this ever happens again, I do hope you take your time and try to understand why it happened again. maybe then you will be much more willing to try to understand.

I know you feel that you've tried to understand, we always think that way, it's called ignorance. I've did that, everyone else has too. I'm still ignorant in many other things. I've never meant anything in a bad way. But I guess that's too late because you translated all that into something else and this is what it has become.

I don't know what to think or feel right now; hurt, disappointed, pain, anger? or just still digesting hard. I only know I feel really messed up inside like never before.

Even deciding to have space to avoid any unwanted incidences such as this. I was very I will still be the first to show up whenever there is a need; rain or shine, even if i had to drag myself up at 3 in the morning.

But now, this just re-writes everything. The ease of such thoughts and words, clearly we were both thinking 2 different things. Even insults can be used can be used to such a manner clearly shows what I am and value I have to you.

I have never felt this way before.

For all that I've tried to do, For all that was worth a good thought.

I hope you realize one day. I really do.

You're a smart person, you great at the things that you excel in. But that doesn't mean you may be right in all of your thoughts at this point in time. For all we know, the waiter serving drinks as some coffeshop might understand more in life than any of us every will.

I just want to leave this place now. Nth left for me to do here.

I never expected to feel this way.

When it rains, it pours.

2011-10-26T21:49:00.001+08:00

I am lost for words.

I cannot believe what I just saw.

If this is what you ask and want.

Reality that cuts deep

2011-10-26T11:59:00.003+08:00

Disappointed I am.

It really isn't hard to tell how much effort people put to think about you or even consider you feelings.

It's even clearer to see how true those actions are.

Is it done because that person thinks it's the right thing and what they should do just to please you, because they want to be everybody's favorite.

Or is it done instinctively because you matter, because it's what they want.

After so many trials. Everything I see gets clearer, everything I used to understand or believe about you gets shoved back to me in the most undesirable manner.

I believed everything good, I told everyone everything good which I believed you were from the very beginning.

All this lasted the test of time. Until now.

Its been more than 10 years since you first gave me an impression. Ever since then I was always ready to respond on your first call no matter when or where, I'd be doing what I can. You left, now you're back. It didn't matter if you knew this, because I never expected much in return. I only hoped for you to be a little more SENSITIVE.

Just recently I realized everything was just in my head. You never bothered, to the least, all I see was you trying to please because its what you think you should do. But it never showed that you wanted to do it from the heart. It has become so standard that a mold could be made to replicate those actions.

Still I decided to SUCK IT UP and give it another run because I wanted to believe the feeling I've always had. I wanted to prove my thoughts now are WRONG. for the first time I wanted to be wrong!

I did, and now instead of proving myself wrong, I see things even more clearly. I feel like a use and throw even more. Call me when you need me, and I'll be waiting when you don't. Never have I been so burned.. I cannot believe I can feel like this, In my life I actually had faith in something, and this is where it gets me.

This is too much for me. I think I'm done. Good luck finding another person who will always be there even if you never knew it.

This will never be reality, all I had was an illusion which I lived for so many years, even through the wait.

I'm trying my best to come to terms with the fact that you're happy living your new life trying to be the worlds favorite person in your perfect world,

and I'm your every-day douch-bag you call when you need and try to please like you're doing charity. (because you believe it's the right thing to do)

I need to go away from all this.

all I needed was a little sensitivity,

You wanted a dog, for all the things it could give you.

You never realized all along you actually had all that, you just never saw it. You just never realized that person was there waiting to give without taking.

I believe this will be the last I speak of this.

Give me a little time to get over it.

I will go away.

what "is now", will eventually be a "was before"

2011-10-15T17:38:00.003+08:00

I think it's time to pull away before falling deeper.

I think I know where this is headed.

Nowhere.

Wondering-Good Charlotte-lyrics

2011-10-13T22:15:00.000+08:00

I've never been good at words.

The trouble with...

2011-10-13T21:56:00.001+08:00

Its though to behave like you don't care when you do.

It's even tougher when you know and realize people don't bother either.

I guess everybody has their way of comforting themselves through emotional pain.

Some choose to hide it and behave like they just don't care.

Am I a use and throw?

2011-10-10T22:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it sure feels like that.

Burn

2011-10-07T22:08:00.002+08:00

SO STRESS!!!

Work is killing me.

Trying to be happy again gives me something to hope for.

Even tho' Im'ma have to let it burn..!

Headlines: The hardened corporate executive that usually knows what he wants now finds himself lost.

2011-10-06T20:14:00.001+08:00

Somehow this track played on my thumb drive in the car this morning.

I havn't heard this in a very very long time possibly years.

Surprised the random thumbdrive I put in and the random button i pressed lead to this.

It was the morning drive to work, so as I was listening while reminiscing about recent agenda's and driving at the same time! (Kids, don't try that at home), the words sank deep into me.

Each and every word made sense, and the song has been stuck in my head for almost 2/3 of the day.

Anyhow, I am gonna make this right. At least I know I'm gonna try. If i end up banging into a wall again then so be it. It is worth a try. You're worth it.

That I'm absolutely sure.

Whether you know it or not, it doesn't matter.

I can suck it up like I always do.

Hopefully one day you'll see it too.

Then, after work while I was driving back, I realized (Yes, I've been dreaming and driving again. There's so much on my mind about work life, and YOU. I can't help it, but I'm home in one piece.) So I realized that trying to make things work requires effort from both parties.

I also learned that it's especially hard to care for someone when they don't even care.

I guess u know you really care when it hurts to see or know people don't care.

Why am I even in this position? this Isn't me.

What is it about this person.? after so long. It can't be.

SIGH! there, I see my wall again.

I guess walking to a wall when you know its there is actually really challenging.

I'd never have taken myself for someone who like inflicting that much pain onto myself.

I'll do it, like I said, You're worth it.

I wanna make this right. It shouldn't be like this.

AaAaHHH!

The gap between the cracks

2011-10-04T22:41:00.002+08:00

You've changed without even realizing it.

I almost didn't too, until...

why...

I would have climbed a friggin' mountain or crossed the bloody ocean,

But what used would that be given how things are.

why...

why can't I turn back time, 2 months is just I'm asking for. The happiest I've ever had for so long.

2 months...

Used

2011-10-04T22:12:00.001+08:00

Good things don't last.

How I missed the past 2 months, before things started to changed.

I wonder why the change.

Don't wake me up.

2011-10-03T23:26:00.001+08:00

Dreams, are my reality.

When hopes turn to fear.

2011-10-02T21:02:00.001+08:00

It's hard. But I will try, I just hope what I do is right. Because every time I try, every time it fails. I feel a small part of myself being killed of along with it.

Gym Class Heroes: Stereo Hearts ft. Adam Levine [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

2011-10-01T14:08:00.000+08:00

Don't ask me how I feel, I don't know. Numb.

Break Me, Throw Me, and Walk Away

2011-09-30T23:32:00.004+08:00

Maybe I saw this coming,

I know this was gonna be broken, thrown and left behind like it never happened.

Maybe I just need to see myself bleed to know i can still bleed.

Maybe it wasn't a Maybe, I did it because I thought times changed, things change, people change.

I guess not.

I thought there was a reason to be happy finding something that was lost.

I was wrong.

I forgot that some things, are not meant for me to appreciate.

I hope you have it better than me. Yes, I'm sure.

-

2011-09-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been rendered speechless? I have.

Trust me, I have...

Broken hope

2011-09-24T09:43:00.000+08:00

When you hope for more, you always get less or nothing.

A memory to keep on going.

2011-09-09T20:33:00.005+08:00

It felt just like it was yesterday, when Grandpa used to tell me how difficult life was back then during the war, the Japanese occupation in our country. He used to tell us stories about how he left china, with his mother to join his father here, about his adventures here as a boy during the war.

he never fail to mention and remind us how we all were or behaved when we were small, how naughty mischievous we were even though most of us are all grown up now. Grandchildren; yes I am one of his grandchildren that love him and grandma the most.

I am sad, yet I feel lost for an emotion, I am not happy, but I am glad to see him go. I do not want to see him suffer. Thinking about him going through the past 2 weeks makes me numb. If not for the sickness, he would have lived up to a hundred or more. He just turned 90, strong and fit as ever.

So many plans I had to do my part as a grandson. The promises I made when I was younger. The dreams I had of making him and grandma proud, once I've made it out here. He left before I could live that dream.

I will miss you dearly. I will remember that warmth in you hand when I held it before I came back here for work from my last visit. I will always remember to be calm like you always were.

Thank you for being my Grandpa.

Rest in Peace.

My Hearts a Stereo, It Beats for You So Listen Close

2011-09-08T22:57:00.002+08:00

My mind is so exhausted, physically I feel worn out every morning when I wake up as though I never went to bed at all.

Yet, those short moments with you charge me up and give me hope. That little ray of sunshine.

Worried about things to do and responsibilities at work,

Worried about grandpa being sick, and grandma being alone soon.

Worried about myself having to think about whats gonna happen next.

Worried about the hopes I ever had crumbling in my own palms.

For the most part, it always feels like it's me against the world.

I hope you understand, what a little sunshine means to me.

Even just a glimpse.

Why so different?

2011-09-03T17:26:00.003+08:00

Isn't it obvious that clouds make the sky look darker?

But somehow I try not to think too much about it although it frustrates me at times.

It's ok.

Who knows?

2011-08-27T23:49:00.004+08:00

What will the future be? happy? or is it back to the old days where things were just black and white. who knows.

Anyhow, 1 year ago today I posted this somewhere, today, I want to remind everybody I know again.

Children with special needs don't have an illness, so there is no cure and it's not contagious. They want what we all want, to be accepted.

It's called patience and persistence.

2011-08-27T09:09:00.001+08:00

What happens when you need someone more than that person needs you?

you suffer slowly.

Take it, or break it.

2011-08-25T00:31:00.002+08:00

Its been so long, so I guess, whats a little more.

It's all I have.

I pray.

2011-08-21T23:46:00.001+08:00

I hope Grandpa get's well soon.

He has to.

Me loves him and grandma lots.

What do you do?

2011-08-20T17:02:00.004+08:00

When you feel, and you know you're just another, like any other.

Not my place

2011-08-18T21:21:00.002+08:00

Funny innit' how everything turns out to be an illusion when you so hoped the most it was reality.

Come my sunshine... come..

2011-08-10T20:53:00.000+08:00

I streak of bad luck, of just clouds passing by...

To you guys I raise my glass, for the end of this chapter of mine

2011-08-09T19:42:00.005+08:00

I couldn't wait to leave. Yes I was in a hurry because everything was crappy. Finally the time came when I had to pack my stuff and end my time here. It was time today goodbye, I felt the weight start to sink in. I now realized how much I hated the place, but in between that I have grown closer to the people. this 10 months was amazingly fun and interesting with its ups and downs. But these people made it count. I will definitely miss them.

I also felt a sense of unwillingness because I felt that I have contributed a hell lot to this place. This crappy company, but I know this is not the place for me. This will not get me where I want to be. I just need to convince myself that what I've done here might not be able to be taken with me, but it will be a contribution for those who need it. I hope everything that has been done, be it the work, the projects, the laughter and the frustrations, one day becomes a wonderful experience for everyone else.

I cannot run this race with them anymore, I hope they make it to win this race, as I will still cheer them on.

Now I have to go run a different race, a tougher and much more challenging race that would either break me, or make me. I see it as the line that separates me between success and failure.

Times like this you wish you didn't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone.

Keeping my fingers crossed for the new chapter.

FAITH & HOPE

2011-08-07T01:27:00.001+08:00

It will be ok.. who knows?

Stormy clouds ahead

2011-08-04T12:33:00.003+08:00

A new Chapter is gonna begin again. I'm starting from Zero this time. Like really, back to basics zero. With current commitments, I think the next year will be a living hell. I had a better option, But I did not take that.

I just had to take this route I created. I know what I want, but I can't help but to ponder about the other choice which has pretty much been planned out for me by the current company. Good pay, Good prospects, and it would definitely be a good CV remark.

Sigh, but I know I wouldn't be happy doing that despite all the plus points. I want this challenge badly, but I don't know if I can even live through this hell of 8 months - 1 year, before I can get running again. Worst case scenario, it might not even turn out to be what I expected it to be. I'm getting paid way less.... yet, I still have to maintain my current commitments.

I have so many plans for the future, but everything seems on hold now. Because I decided to take this RISK.

I guess sometimes, all we need is somebody to understand and live through the storm with us till the sun comes back. Then we can all have a good laugh at those rough times. I need a pet.

Wrecked Reality

2011-07-21T23:47:00.003+08:00

The title: Wrecked Reality was chosen because this picture was taken on an island. Now, what would anyone would normally associate an island with?

Here I hope to express how I believe that what we wish to see in things or people are sometimes just so far apart that when we realize what is real. We have only a broken dream, and a hope that was lost.

Maybe time will change this? or perhaps time will change how we see this?

It can be anyone's guess which will be changed by time.

Dreality

2011-07-21T23:40:00.003+08:00

For all I know, I could all be just a dream.

Wake me up.

No. Let me linger a little longer.

But. If this is a dream, what is reality?

Maybe

2011-07-20T10:00:00.001+08:00

I should just leave everything behind and go Volunteer for the UN or AMNESTY Int'l.

RUN.

2011-07-13T21:01:00.003+08:00

I used to know a cow that disappointed me a lot. When I first came here, I met this person. In this semi-corporate pyramid, this person seemed to be at the bottom of the food chain. I vowed not to behave like the rest and pick on the weaker ones.

I decided to help this person up to be a fighter. To be tough and firm. I just wanted this stooopid cow to be able to survive and escape the unforgiving jaws of the selfish corporate sharks.

I thought wrong. I really was.

I used to believe I could help this person do better. I used to even stand on put my reputation on the line to vouch for this person without this person's knowledge. When other's said this cow couldn't do it. I told the boss that I believe this person can!

But where does this take me?

It took me down a road of frustration,... it took me through a ride of being misunderstood,... I feel now that it took more than that from me. It took me for granted.

Now, I cannot look at this person and not feel frustration and disappointment at all.

"I know you're happy now. You've learned to say NO. You've learned to crude. you've learned to be ungrateful. You've learned to misunderstand every single thing I say an put it against me.

You say I mistreat you, I believe you don't understand.

You say I'm being harsh, I believe it's better harsh from me than others.

You say I'm unreasonable, I say you don't know how much I sacrificed.

Sometimes I wonder how crude life can be to me. It's ok if you think I'm mean, it's even ok if you think I'm unfair. I was just hoping you'd be decent enough to understand.

I now have no thing to say to you. I know you're happy, and I also know I'm regretting ever to bother. It's time I go and leave this place, I don't need to be reminded of how it feels to be turned against."

A few more weeks I'm gone, starting a new path. A route definitely much tougher and challenging than this. I know I will definitely be suffering for the 1st one year, definitely much more torturous than my 1 year here. But I know this is better than the anger I feel in me right now. I will LEAVE and I don't want to look back I want to believe that I've never met and decided to help you.

Glass

2011-07-11T19:33:00.002+08:00

Fragile.

That's what everything is. Well at least in my life.

Nothing seems to last, nothing.

Just like glass.

Discovering myself

2011-02-13T16:42:00.004+08:00

For the past 4 months, I have been consistently shaving my head bald. Trust me, every time I do it, it still hurts. As the blade brushes against your scalp, it is not uncommon to feel as though the skin on you scalp is being peeled of like how one would do to an apple.

But yet I persist, and go through the whole process. There are times when I return for a shave after my hair has grown beyond a certain length. The pain insanely increases as the length of the hair gets longer. I clench my fists under the huge robe they put over me. After every stroke I sigh with relief.

Why do I have to willingly endure all this? I remember asking myself once.

After a long thought, I answered in my head. The satisfaction right after the pain has stopped cannot be compared with any other form of accomplishment or excitement.

I guess this tells a lot about what I've been through and what kind of person I am.

My life isn't that great and no it isn't anywhere near perfect. But it has brought me here today.

I have gone through shit, and still going through more shit.

Yet I'm still counting on the next minute, the next hour, or even tomorrow to be a better one than now.

It gives me hope, it gives me reason, it gives me something to believe in.

I'm open to suggestions, at the same time I don't care what you think about me.

You think that I have a problem, I think your thoughts have a problem.

I believe in ideas, especially my own. It doesn't matter if yours is different, convince me. Something might happen!

I don't live for anyone or anything.

I live because of yesterday and for tomorrow.

In your attempts to change me, you might find yourself being changed by me.

Trust me, I do change too if you don't notice, we probably could have changed to something outside the plan.

I don't believe in tears of sadness and the laughter of joy.

But I do know tears of disappointment and laughter of the other person when they see you fail.

I like to be in a dark room with just a table lamp or a candle.

That way I don't have to worry about the imperfections on the wall, how ugly the furnitures are or how big or small the room is.

To me it's just mind over matter.

I think about things I should have done, I regret things I did not do, I'm angry about things I've done, I'm uncertain about what I might have done, I am confused.

Sometimes I wake up wishing it was still yesterday, other times I wake up hoping it was already tomorrow.

I think too much, I drink too much. Other people worry too much. who's the judge?

Dream Killer

2011-02-04T19:05:00.003+08:00

This isn't it. I need a 360 degree change in everything. My luck sucks, My life is boring, My pay is nothing to be really proud of and I don't think what I'm doing right now is remotely close to my dream job.

So what is my dream job?

Answer: Anything but this?

I know I'm capable and worth much more than this.

It's the second day of Chinese New Year, here I am sitting in front of the computer lookinf out my window to the street below. There really isn't much to see. It's CNY anyway, shops are closed and traffic is almost barely there.

I'm just hoping but at least its quiet. the only consolation I'll be getting huh.

It's times like this that I really wished I'm still a student. Everything was straight and simple, your dreams seem all so great and in reach, everything seems to go as planned. Every plan a a perfect plan getting you closer to the end.

The guts to dream big. The balls to do it.

Out here, with every blow, you feel your dreams getting smaller. You might have the balls, but what are balls without dreams?

Even with balls, you tend to think more before using balls.

DREAM KILLERS!

I'm really counting on that silver lining right now...

please come soon.

Happy Chinese New Year to all, wishing all health and prosperity.

For those born in the year of the Rabbit, lets hope this year works out for us.

Gin & Tonic

2011-02-02T03:20:00.001+08:00

It's one of those days where I just sit with the smooth jazz playing with my mind reminiscing about the past and wandering about the future. Is it just me or the Gin & Tonic? who is to judge?

-

2011-01-18T15:07:00.001+08:00

I think I feel sick. oh Darn!

Plans Vs Loud Voices

2011-01-13T21:04:00.002+08:00

I'm gonna prove you wrong and make you regret your thoughts so badly you'd wish you never had appeared in the first place.

I am different! because I don't care how good you think you are. I know what I'm doing, I'll ask if i don't. But for the most of it, I'm sure I can do better.

I'm prepping myself to take you out! of the game.

I hope.

2011-01-12T00:24:00.002+08:00

Only one thing can make me feel alright...

Only one thought can keep me sane...

Only this hope keeps my dream alive...

I'm responsible to make it happen.

For tomorrow has to be a different day.

Kellie's Castle

2011-01-10T23:32:00.002+08:00

The story behind Kellie's Castle.

Dramatic? Tragedy? Love? Mystery? Misery?

Maybe

2011-01-03T20:21:00.002+08:00

Just a little more time.

It feels right, but it sounds wrong.

whats it gonna be of it?

Just a little more time.

until what feels wrong, sounds right.

@rthur m.

New Year 2011

2011-01-01T19:21:00.005+08:00

Happy NEW YEAR 2011!!!!

It was interesting watching fireworks from such a close distance.

Each BOOM! exploding right in front of you. The detail, the atmosphere as the whole crowd went silent for a few second as each burst of light amazed the crowd, followed by cheers and claps.

By the way, I was at the Curve.

It was great except for the lousy service and menu we had for dinner.

nonetheless it was an interesting experience. Thanks. MooMoo the Potato.

It's the Year of the RABBIT! hopefully all will go smooth sailing this year, since it's my year eh?

*fingers crossed*

Till then.

But...

2010-10-12T22:45:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I don't know what I'm doing.

Heh........

Darn.

Career seems to be starting on the right track at the moment...

But still.......

heh..........

Uncertainty

2010-10-10T21:53:00.002+08:00

Uncertainty, the word and thoughts that have been lingering in my mind for quite some time. I've just been pushing it aside by filling my time with work and others. But I guess theres just too much void and free time over this weekend which led to me being caught up by these facts.

A decision has to be made and it has to stay. But how can I stay firm when I don't even know the decision.?

Argh.. I hate this.. where is Somebody when you need Somebody to talk to?

Uncertainty - The Fray

Uncertainty is killing me
And I'm certainly not asleep
Maybe I've gone far too deep
Maybe I'm just far too weak
And that's the last place I want to be the last place

And there is so much we dont know
So we love and we hope that it holds

Thousands were lost and maybe more
The question remains, "What is this for?"
Maybe it came unexpected
Maybe I'm left unprotected
And that's the last place I want to be the last place

And there is so much we dont know
So we love and we hope that it holds
And either we say or we show
So I'm going to fight for my own

I'm holding on until the last
I'm holding on until there's nothing left
I'm holding on until the last
I'm holding on until there's nothing left

Plans

2010-10-08T21:57:00.002+08:00

And remind me why I hate planning again? because I and my luck suck at it. It always end up making no difference with or without a plan. the worst part is I don't know what to do do next to fill the void minus the plan.

Of Mushroom and Claypot

2010-10-05T00:52:00.003+08:00

Mushroom, Here you go.....

Thats all I can do for now. its 1am. I'll do the rest another time when I actually have time. ;)

October 3rd, 2010

2010-10-03T22:02:00.002+08:00

I wish I could go back and be a student so I don't have to work. For anyone. HAH!

How's that for a plan. I'm kinda feeling down at the moment.

Bah. This sucks.

29/09/2010

2010-09-29T20:13:00.000+08:00

I have a question...

WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD?

I'm done asking...

Thank you.

For the love of Ribena

2010-09-22T18:04:00.003+08:00

I was on half day leave today. Popped into the council meeting as how I would during those days. An instant re-run of those old school memories. Feels good to have feelings like this refreshed once in a while.

OK well, maybe not once in a while... just another time..

And I realized.. I still love Ribena as much as before, darn those childhood habits die hard.

Blah!

Dreamer

2010-09-20T18:48:00.002+08:00

One of the projects I've been doing during my free time with fonts, phrases and colors that describes my mood or feelings during that period while I was working on it.

Handover note.

2010-09-20T16:31:00.002+08:00

Oh dang. I never realized that doing my handover notes could take so much effort. Been at it almost the whole day since morning and I'm still not done. I think I've got a few more pages to go. AHHHHH!

Need a break. Go INTIMA office lepak 1st... heee find the claypot + mushroom kacau.

So many things, so little time.

2010-09-19T21:55:00.004+08:00

2 years ago.. there I was, a student with the opportunity to do something not many students would have had the chance to. To be part of the process when freshmen adapted to university life. the be one of their first few friends to get them started. To make them feel it's all fine. Today (more like yesterday) I did it for the last time here. It has been approx. 2 years since my involvement in OLE! since Sept 2008, till now Sept 2010.

I have to honestly admit I was in a sea of mixed feelings. I'm excited to where I'm headed for the future and my career etc. but then all this familiar things just keep making you turn your head back for a second look. That sucks.

No doubt about it.. I've been carrying myself around recently with a numb feeling. This time not because of stress and workload. But really more of an emotional kind of numbness. I don't know how I should feel.

I also realized something yesterday during the De-Brief with the INTIMA Exco's. I looked at them and for some reason I'm just pretty sure they'll be fine at the rate they are going, though I wished I could be here for this term just to help them out a little more.

Because among this faces were faces I remembered from some of the OLE!'s I was involved in before. Claryn the claypot, Suzanne the mushroom, Shaarmen the hairy boy, Sandra the old lady, Nico the big head, and the Lau sisters too if I remember correctly.

These are among some of the many students whom I've never treated myself as a staff towards them. but more of a senior who just loves having a good them with juniors. Seeing so many of this faces in INTIMA just at times makes me wish that if I could relive those days when I was just a student where I could be where ever I wanted without having to make the decision to leave or stay.

Not to mention the peeps at LEO which I used to Chair for during the 13th Term. I'm sure that they will do fine too. Actually it's not an "I think" it's more of an I know they will do fine. They already have all they need.

It's just that this time around I really wished I could do a little more for INTIMA because I really hope they and know that they can be the improvement that is much needed after the past few terms. Of course the personal factor knowing them personally.

Damn I hate dilemmas!

Yesterday or Tomorrow?

2010-09-17T12:03:00.002+08:00

I was driving around to go look at some furniture yesterday at Damansara near the place I stay. There was this line on a billboard that caught my attention and is still on my mind. It's a really simple question but still...

It reads:

Is today yesterday's tomorrow or tomorrow's yesterday?

Red Star

2010-09-14T15:40:00.002+08:00

It's freezing cold in the office! for the first time I actually felt cold here. The numbers in this office have been reduced so drastically especially during this holiday and low peak period, leaving me and KH alone in the office. This SUCKS.. We even had to take turns to "tapau" our lunches.

Sometimes I really have no idea what the organization I'm working for is doing. Yea by the way, it would be really inappropriate for me to name the organization, and also for obvious reasons. I bet you know which organization I'm talking about. "International Network of Talking Idiots." (good luck trying to sue me there..) haha! Doesn't matter, this is my space and I write what ever I want. Don't like it? not my problem and not your blog.

Anyway, like I mentioned many times before, as a student you are treated like a GOD or so it's supposed to be that way. Why? it's just business and you're a paying customer. Now thats a fact!

Trust me, I know because I was a student too... and it was all too good to be true. But once you come over to the other side of the field as I did. The truth BEHOLD!

You start to question many things? what is education? should even such commercialized education be considered education? I'm serious... I think it's just a whole load of "Cock and Bull"

How are you supposed to educate students when you are so concerned about how they feel and every other time just because they are paying customers and you idiots in your board room decided to charge them so much. I mean like seriously? who likes and is happy when their mistakes are pointed out and corrected?

None? I'm not surprised.

When students are not happy it's the staff's fault? I mean I have to admit that I have came across some staff who just couldn't care less about students. But not all staff are like that. This reminds me of one time when the "Menacing Director" decided to come up with this secret customer program. Yes very child play... I know. Yes students would pretend to be I don't know.. whatever they want to be.

The purpose? to evaluate the departments and everybody was making a big fuss out of it. It sounded like some good idea ripped off a management book bought from Borders. C'mon, are you kidding me? others might think its a big issue because they don't know crap about how things work. They just jump off their feet every time somebody at the top moves. I read about crap strategies like that from one of the many (yes and I mean many.. a whole load) management books my dad use to ask me read. The problem here is practicality? was it even practical to begin with? Imagine a poor lecturer who failed a student and what if that student was one of the secret customers. I'm sure no such incident such as this happened here and I don't think faculties were involved.

But still I want to point out here that no strategy is universal and such strategies although highly effective in the service industry is not appropriate for the education industry due to the nature of the industry itself. Think about it.

This is just one of the many things many people know but not many want to talk about. But people who are so frustrated and got balls will joke about it. Ah well... I'm pretty curious 5 years down the road where all this will be.

I'm just pretty glad I'm going back to my marketing line, It doesn't matter if HQ puts me in the education subsidiary. They promised I get to play part in the strategy planning. Thats what counts. It's gonna be packed, but being the one who moves the chess pieces is always better than being the chess piece thats being moved. that of course is in my personal opinion.

Bah! another round of frustration vented out. FEELS SO GOOD.

A lesson you thought yourself.

2010-09-13T23:04:00.003+08:00

I came across a very meaningful line today.

"The best teachers don't give you the answers. They just point the way and let you make your own choices, your own mistakes. That way, you get all the glory and you deserve it"

This meant a lot when I heard it.

Closing of one and introduction to a new Chapter

2010-09-13T14:10:00.003+08:00

My last 2 weeks in INTI International University. was a student here for more than 2 years and a staff for roughly about 1 year. I guess it's time to close this chapter. I remember just around May 2007 when I just arrived at this strange yet interesting place. I posted a blog entry about how this is gonna be another chapter in my life and how I need to put everything back there behind and do something for myself here.

I guess I've more or less managed to survived through the 3 years and had some accomplishments as a students. Of course there were the ups and downs. Being council member and chairperson of the LEO Club for the 13th Term, entering the MIMS Management game, challenging going head to head against 3 years Champion Taylors UC and of course not forgetting Winning Best Business Plan for my final year project, Best Council Member and getting a few job offers. But for some reason, maybe because of the attachment to the achievements here as a student and an uncompleted task of bringing the LEO club to the best club during my term. (I had promised my term committees that I would make it a personal goal to bring it there)

I stayed another year as a staff of the Student Affairs Office. Though I wasn't able to really get to accomplish my personal goal during my term as chairperson due to the lack of support. I am somewhat glad I turned down my other offers and stayed here to help with the new term to push all the way through, it wasn't easy. Many do not or could not realize what made me stay or what I saw in this students. Although my term was over, but the work that started during my term was not. I didn't feel right leaving it just right there, the new term was so fresh I think they were not fully prepared for whats coming. I wanted to be the one pushing them up when they fall. But I guess I'm glad, They DID IT! I guess it is not the personal achievement in my term, possibly few more months down the line my name will be long forgotten, my face will be that of a stranger. But the way I see it. They WIN, I WIN.... in my heart, and I get to keep my promise I made to my team 2 years ago.

I hope that they will feel proud one day looking back that they were part of all this. We may not have been the ones running across the river, but we built the bridge. where would all this be if it wasn't for them.

So I guess my work here is done. Not to say there's nothing left to do, but I guess it's time to do something for myself!

I'm gonna miss this place, I'm gonna miss the times, and I'm definitely gonna miss the people.

If had my share of ups and downs here, all that just made me better at what I am now. I've met nice people and I've met ungrateful people. People who were there, and people who just took the credit. people who actually did it, and people who just talked. I know, because I for one believed in and supported the wrong person once here. Yet, all this just makes me wanna meet more people and play a certain role in their lives. It feels great nonetheless.

I'm a messed up personality at times, I can hardly solve my own problems but when I'm so into solving other peoples mess it just feels like I don't have a problem at all. Maybe I've just forgotten how much shit I'm actually in.

I've also realized that packing up can be such a pain in the ASS. I've moved most of the bulky stuff down to my new place in Damansara. Gonna be working for a company that has subsidiaries in a few industries. Real Estate, Construction and Education.

Well according to my agreement I'm gonna me rotated around to where ever needs me as a Marketing Exec. excuse the title. One thing I've learned so far, Titles can be definitely dubious.

Having my fingers crossed that everything will work out fine. I'm starting a new chapter in this part of life, and I'm starting from 0. Yes a big ZERO. a blank page.

I didn't get to buy myself a Suzuki Swift as I intended for my first car (with own money) but I guess due to current circumstances and the urgent need for a car for my new career path, I have to settle for a Myvi SE. But I guess thats as good as it gets for now. I'm still aiming at that 650cc Sports Bike. Maybe sometime soon?

Ahhh... It's time again to get my sorry ass up from procrastinating.

Till next time...

Kuching July trip teaser 2010

2010-07-21T17:26:00.001+08:00

A little teaser from my previous trip back to Kuching.

I'm tired of being this way

2010-05-31T21:31:00.002+08:00

Today happens to be another one of those days where I've so much going around me that my mind decided to take over of me and before I knew it, I entered numb mode. I couldn't friggin' think straight, And I remembered attempting to walk along the yellow line at the curbside on the way back. and I couldn't even walk straight. Ridiculous!

Had dinner early for the first time in about almost 2 weeks. was pretty numb mentally when I got back so I went in without turning on the lights and put my bag to rest on the ground when I headed over to the fridge, grabbed a glass and turned on the table lamp. Took out a chilled bottle of my wine had 2 glasses before I finally sat down, took out my laptop and here I am typing away.

It wasn't a crazy day, it wasn't even that busy, the weather was kind enough to be sunny during the day and rained in the evening while I was at the office. Still, i don't know WHaT THe FU*K is wrong with me. I just feel like everything I do doesn't make sense. It's just so messed up that I'm at a point where I don't even see the point of me doing whatever I'm doing.

Even when it comes to talking to people, I feel as I've just lost it. To make things worst recently, I've kinda bumped into a personality which at first I thought was kinda interesting and intoxicating. Seemed to be all well at first, but my current state of mind is just so messed up I don't even know what I'm doing.

I need to refill my glass of wine...

Back!

I wonder if this is what they refer as the quarter life crisis. I hope it is, cos I'm only 23 and if I'm facing it now, I'm just having my fingers crossed and hoping it'll all be over by the time I'm 25. Oh how I hate this!

The environment must be adding to the distorted effect on me. I need a new place... soon, is taking my Masters here worth it? I still feel like a student, yet I am a staff, but when I start my Masters in Sept. I will be a Student and a Staff. I definitely think that this split role thing is not gonna help at all.

How I wish..................................... that reality isn't a bitch.

oh Mice!

2010-05-18T19:36:00.002+08:00

I took these shots last week. Was playing around with Leong Siu Pak (yes, that's the name given to the pet mouse of my friend Leong).

It's so damn cutess when it wriggles it's nose... heeee.

I thought I smhmelled something.?

It's al mine, mine, mine......

Oh yea and I managed to take a snap of this from Sia Wan Theng.

When the mind is no longer willing and the body is weak

2010-05-13T22:46:00.002+08:00

I am mentally and physically exhausted!

I'm just sitting on my desk staring to the screen.

I can't even seem to find the energy to get up to pack my shit and go back home.

I've been running up and down doing this stupid event which I have no idea why our team is doing it in the first place. It's not even our damn friggin' market!

I'm just frustrated, Annoyed, and I hate the idea that I have to wake my sorry ass up at 8am tomorrow morning. I am very tempted t not appear in the office tomorrow morn and just take a half day tomorrow.

I'm just hoping my days will be much more worth looking forward to over the weekend. Hopefully to meet some familiar faces. *fingers crossed*

I really am confused to whether I've been thought to well by my Marketing lecturers that I have analyzed that the strategies and plans put in place by the company I'm working for is totally rediculous and not practical at all!

Or perhaps they've have not thought me well enough and that I was a lousy Marketing student previously that I do not understand and realized the briliant strategy they have! either way, it's ironic.

Thats the only word I can think of to describe my thoughts about everything right now. IRONIC. Come to think of it, I can leave anytime, but I wonder why I'm still here. I tell myself to continue my Masters Degree, but there are also times when I think it's not worth it as I could do that anywhere else. I guess we'll see how it goes a few months from now.

- @rth

Just another day

2010-05-12T13:41:00.002+08:00

So things aren't that great after all at this part of the world.

Still, we wake up every morning, convince ourselves it's gonna be a better day.

Heck, I just convince myself that is just another day to count till I finish what I set out to do.

______________________________________________________

On other matters, I'm actually thinking of doing a project where I'll pick a model and work with that person (I mean taking pictures of course!) and like make an album, sort of like a photobook about that person, telling their story with pictures and all. I think it would be rather interesting if it works out and if I even get a model.

Any volunteers?
Preferably someone who wants to make a statement or has a similiar interest and see's my idea.

haha ah well...
We'll see :)

Microsoft outlook hates

2010-05-11T15:38:00.002+08:00

Have I mentioned yet? that I bougth my HTC HD2 already. Love at first sight, and expensive one in fact. Friggin' 2.5K!

Anyway, work is piling up, and I'm in a love hate relationship with emails an microsoft outlook.
everytime a new mail comes in, it usually ain't good.

I dah nak MENGAMUK!

ish...

- @rth

Talk is cheap, she's just FREE

2010-05-10T23:54:00.003+08:00

Got particularly annoyed today at somebody who acted irrationally because of a "her".
Hah! I mean like seriously? W.T.F.!?!
Everyone else didn't see the BIG DEAL for all the commotion.

But then again, how to we expect everyone to be matured enough to understand.
Anyway, I said what I had to say for all it's worth, next time around I'm staying away.
Cause right now, drawing lines seems like the most comforting thing to do.

After all that ain't my cup of tea and I'm not the one who has to bear taking down a whole cup of tasteless stale tea. I'm stickin' with my bourbon & coke. Some people are jsut plain wierd (not to say I'm not wierd, others are just acting like they've got and elephant stuck up their asses) and others are just wet blankets seriously drenched in pee.

Once again, I'm like.. W.T.F?!?!
Geeeez!

- @rth

Died-Ed

2010-05-03T22:20:00.003+08:00

My crayfish diedED... Anyhow, I'm not gonna make a big fuss about it. It's just a damn crayfish.

I miss dogs. ;)

So I'm currently chatting with a guy that finds talking to girls being a very therapeutic experience.

An interesting theory, I mean we can't really judge and say what is not right where some people find in comforting to smoke or to drink.

I kinda agree, to the fact that drinking is acceptable to be a good way of relaxing provided proper judgement when deciding to drive or not to drive after drinking, to smoke or not to smoke in a public area with other people around and to talk to as many girls as they want as long as no one gets pregnant! HAHA

Well, this is an interesting story of Mr. G (name has been removed to protect privacy).

I will continue this next time!

Strange, foreign beauty II

2010-05-03T20:17:00.005+08:00

Well, as promised earlier. Here is Part II of my album shots for 'Strange, foreign beauty'

On other matters, I kinda slept in for a lil' while today since I'm supposed to be on leave till the office called because some colleagues thought I was supposed to be working. Ah,... well... anyway, as usually I casually popped into the office and did a little here and there in my shorts and flip-flops!

Today wasn't so productive at all, for some reason everything does not seem to have a purpose. I can't immagine what tomorrow will be. either way I think I need to get my pace going, it's gonna be anohter hell of a month!

Strange Foreign Beauty

2010-05-03T00:40:00.002+08:00

I just added another addition to my gear. Added a Tammy 70-300mm with Macro.

I very basic lens without the VR/VC but at this moment I really don't think I'm gonna think about having the Nikon VR version as part of my gear.

The only reason I got it was to satisfy my temptation for portraits and taking pictures of people.

Get a good distance and start shooting away...(my camera of course :) Heeee)

I actually attended 2 fashion show catwalks today held at the Gardens, one was 'MUSE by Alvin Tay' and the other 'BIMBA & LOLA'

Not too many models, just about a handful I'd say 8 and none local from what I see, I guess that explain the features.

So the shots were fully taken by my latest addition, 70-300mm Tamron. (Yes, without VC! I'm so proud)

These are some of the pictures of MUSE by Alvin Tay.

The rest of this collection can be found on my facebook =)

Will upload the BIMBA & LOLA pics on the next post.

Strange, foreign beauties.

I finally took leave after a very very long time, tomorrow will be Monday, but hopefully no Monday blues for me BECAUSE I'm supposed to be on leave. *fingers crossed*

I've been thinking a lot lately, there's so many things I want to say, yet I just can't seem to find the words to express it or even write it here.

I need a new environment soon.

I bought 3 bottles of wine earlier, all Korean made! hahahaha 2 bottles or Persimmon Ice Wine (supposed to be one of the best) and an ordinary Persimmon wine. Tempted down a bottle right now and sink into my usual comforting numb state. GrrrRr.

Ah well, I think I'll get back to my pictures so I can upload more soon.

- @rth M

Flash Update

2010-04-28T00:01:00.002+08:00

Heads up!

Another Fast paced week coming right up.

Just got an Australian Pearl Arowana as my new pet.

What I've been wanting for so long, now I'm considering putting my crayfish up for adoption. anyone interested?

HeeeeHeeee

Photo story: Flight back to reality

2010-04-26T23:00:00.004+08:00

"Rushing and racing, running in circles,
Moving so fast, I'm forgetting my purpose,
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning, getting nowhere.

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic.
Pace of the world, I just wish I could stop it,
Try to appear like I've got it together, I'm falling apart.

All that I've missed, I see in the reflection,
Passed me while I wasn't paying attention,
Tired or rushing, racing and running, I'm falling apart.

The noise of the world is getting me caught up.
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it.
Just need to breathe, somebody please slow me down."

That's just how I feel most of the time, sometimes I just wish I could leave where I am.
Even for awhile, just for a breather, some air and maybe a fresh page to start on.
I've always dreamt and imagined myself in this street standing still while people pass me by, as I watch them pass me by and ignore everything around them. I'd be there watching, noticing everything about them.

Then, I'd somehow snap back to reality because that ain't gonna get me paid.
REALITY baby, is a BITCH.
Dang.

Flight back to reality

- @rth M. (credits: E. Rossum for "slow me down")

Photo story: swimming pool

2010-04-26T17:23:00.003+08:00

Needa dip?

Decided to tune the sky to an emo tone suiting my current FML mood.

- @rth M.

So long 22, holla 23

2010-04-26T10:34:00.003+08:00

I'm back, another year older. *sighs*
I remember a few years back not too long ago when I was actually rushing time. Couldnt wait till it was all over.
Now, what I need is a big PAUSE button.

Satruday the 24th was like anyother Saturday like the past few weeks before, woke up early in the morning, and headed to work. *I'm glad it was only a half day!*
Headed down to Sunway Piramid for "clash of the Titans" with KH and JD.
Half way through I got a text from Kim asking to go to her shop.
So, I kinda went over to find all the lights turned off. I knew something was amiss the moment i stepped out of the car.

True enough the moment I went in.. Ta-Da.. out came Leong, Dottie, Lee Yoon, Carmen, Kim, and even Uncle Lim. hahaha I could say I was Semi surprised. lol.

Had a good Korean Dinner, we headed over for another short session at Ah Lun's shop for some Vodka and Kwai Feh, and meet up Johnny and Carol.

Sunday I went over to Midvalley alone to free my mind and to do some minor shopping. I think I'm running out of clothes and needed to get a new wallet. then decided to meet up with Wilh "Mc Bunny" at the Gardens. We headed over to Chillis to do our usual ritual ever since back home. HAPPY HOUR! hahaha a pint of Guinnes each made us 2 very happy and satisfied people. waled around M.Valley for abit to grab household items. Bunny wanted to buy hooks for pots and pans apparently. so Yah! Hardware shop we went.

Came back around 8pm or so. Friggin tired and hungry.
That was the end of 22 for me.
GREAT!

Extending a Big thanks for those who were involved in planning the 24th at Kim's.

I feel shitty right now for no apparent reason. hmmm

- @rth M.

Just another one of those slow days

2010-04-22T21:00:00.004+08:00

As my body ache from tennis is slowly recovering(I have not played for ages, and I decided to practice my serve and served about 80 or so serves on Monday :) *Damn proud sia*) everything seems to be happening in slow motion today.

I mean seriously from the people outside the office to all activity in the office. However I decided to clean my aquarium. Yes! I have an aquarium in the office, and its on my left, I kinda have this DIY desk extension where I put my document tray and the aquarium of course!

My desk is pretty cluttered with stuff and stationary and I also have my laptop asides from the conventional desktop which I only use for mails and printing. It's just too slow!

Anyway, back to the aquarium, I have exactly 21 fishes inside and of course the main attraction the female Crayfish. I used to have four of them, they fought, and fought, and fought... 1 died with the 2 other wounded and acted like bitches running away from the winner ever since. Obviously I kept the winner.

Headed to the nearby aquarium hobby shop to stock up on some fish food and bought a school of neon tetras.

The main attraction(My champion Crayfish)

This is the view I get, when I look left while sitting on my desk.

I find it kinda comforting especially when I spend late nights in the office alone, which I usually do. Something about watching the fishes swimming in schools brings a certain calmness and makes my mind drift away even for a few seconds, I'm SATISFIED!

The champion Crayfish on the other hand, with it's aggressiveness, reminds me that its a dog eat dog world and the sharp one stays ahead. I got the whole aquarium with it about 2 months ago. So far it has eaten about 12 of my other fishes, BIG and small.

The 21 left (and counting...) are the fast swimmers who adapted and react fast enough to avoid the killer pincers of the crayfish. I've watched it killed a baby carp the size of my thumb once and ate it whole. It really is a fascinating sight, especially the crayfish unleashes it's killer instinct in most of the times a very cunning way to trick the fishes and how only the fishes that react fast enough will survive.

Again it's 9.00 pm and I refuse to go back to my room just because I'm sick of facing those four walls, and of course the Internet in the office is faster (only at night). I'm so hungry, I've been thinking about Kolo Mee and Kampua Mee for the past 2 weeks. It's like "double liewww teee efff" when I went back home earlier in August 09' I did not even crave for it that bad. Conclusion: Must be the PORK!

Was talking to June in US yesterday night over MSN. It's been awhile since I've talked to someone from the past. It honestly felt good to catch up. (I'm hoping I can keep my promise of taking 14, 15 & 16 of May of to bring her around when she drops by KL on her way back to Kuching. I've already been working weekends outstation for at least 5 or 6 weeks in a row and I've 2 more working weekends, total = 7 weeks in a row)I find it ironic at times, how the world can feel so small and so big at the same time. Just as how I use to think the airport can make you feel the comfort of coming back home and the pinch in your heart when you leave or send someone off.

I still can't believe the fact that I've to work even on my birthday. I mean I'm not complaining, it's just crappy when people ask you, "hey, so what you got going on on your birthday?" well, I usually choose to sleep in and get it over with here. But to answer that question with "Well, I gotta work man" just doesn't sound right to me. To think that it's gonna take 2 years to complete my Masters Degree is almost starting to sound unbearable.

Like as if my life isn't confusing and messed up enough. Ah well, another life in another time perhaps.

- @rth m.

The return

2010-04-21T10:56:00.004+08:00

It's good to be back. After a long absence from blogging for at least more than 8 months.

Spent some time doing the revamp of the whole page.

Finally done with that, jsut left with some minor tweaks here and there.

So, life has been pretty packed with ups and downs for the past 8 months. with a blink of an eye I've already worked for 8 months now contemplating on when to start my masters degree.

Work has its challenges and its frustrating moments, but I'm very sure this ain't a career for me but merely a bridge. Still planning to get back to my main line. (Marketing/Advertising/Self Employment)

Just had an interesting and tiring day yesterday. Had an early morning drive down to Johore to do a school talk with my Boss Dr. Sia. It was the first time doing a school talk and it was challenging!

I usually just go down all over the country to conduct trainings etc. but this was totally different. after the session had a drive up a little north to Melacca to meet another team, Faye and Irene who were there for some exhibitions to have authentic Baba & Nonya food for lunch.

I've also got a hardcore cure for my insomnia, which is to tire the crap out of myself so I'll just fall asleep the moment I get to bed.

As I've fallen deeper into photography, I'm gonna post up as many of my relevent work possible here. Just after im done with the tweaks and all. Gonna try to remove the right click function. For now, I'm gonna do some catching up with other bloggers, it's been awhile!

- @rth m.

Boulevard of numbness

2009-09-03T16:04:00.004+08:00

I have so much things to write about but I havnt been posting lately due to work and all. But there are just some things that are on my mind that I feel I need to write out the moment I get time.

I wouldn't call myself a religious person, due to my open views on religion. But i Just felt like writing this. Been wanting to since the past few days, but due to time constraints at work. Since I had some free time today...

Dear GOD,

Its another new chapter, got employed before graduating, a pretty good start, accomodation and most basic expenses covered.

But still, I feel numb. Everyday I wake up, look in the mirror and say to myself.

"It's just another day, make it mean something..."

What can I do? Just smile and make everything seem fine and just keep going.

At least I know me going on will affect other to keep going.

I don't know what can I do for myself.

I'm really glad in a way that I have a job now, because I don't really mind working late so I don't have to think about how miserable some things can be.

Been doing overtime for the past week till around 12 to 1 am.

Reaching back to my room all burned out.

Sleeping for a few hours and wake up the next day repeating the same cycle.

Sometimes you really just wish for another soul to be there to listen.

Another pair of warm arms, and a comfortable shoulder.

sometimes thats all it takes, even for a moment.

Thats how it feels, at times.

Even for one short moment, it means more than any other money or pleasure.

I used to live for myself.. cause I thought I had all I needed.

Now it's mroe like living for others.
An empty shell, that longs to be filled.

I really have no doubts about being able to to my job and things that need to be done right.

But I dont know if I know how to live my life right.

Still waiting for that sunshine

Sincerely,

The one who doesn't know how to take care of how to live his life and is sick of pain and decided to go numb.

Catching up

2009-09-01T10:56:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile, went back to Kch for a week, after my final exams.. went for some "back home" food and a photoshoot trip with Bian and some friends. didnt get to do much tho' too short a period. Now I'm back and still adjusting to working life. Hmmmmm... New room too.. kinda emty and unorganized. Spent the whole day shopping and looking around for furniture yesterday with Anna the squirrel. Kinda fun, and I managed to buy some of the stuff I wanted. Lets see how this week goes huh..

=S

2009-08-08T22:38:00.000+08:00

Just wished I could do all this another day at another time.
Sigh.

Under the weather

2009-08-06T21:15:00.003+08:00

I'm Having a headache...
still having that minor chough and flu.
at least no more fever and I got my appetite back.

Just got back from dinner with Alex and The Admin batch.
after skipping lunch cause I was kinda rushing to complete my resume for the company to officially issue me an offer letter.
was doing this trying to study all at the same time.
Didn't had much of a choice Ms. Lillian and the HR dept. guy have been asking for it.
So I needed to study and I needed to write a resume.
and I did both took a long time to finish it, but I finished it.
How mad can that be?

Seriously I think my life isn't normal.
At least no where near normal.
Even after finishing my degree, I only get to go back for a week, just to pack up some stuff, and get some documents done.
then I'll have to haul my arse back here to start work.
talking about being able to work under pressure..
I was considering to add in my resume that free and easy never existed in my vocab.

I hate it that now that Im sick, and I have to try to concentrate and study.
Trying hard to push

Sick

2009-08-05T14:20:00.002+08:00

Head is spinning like mad.. Was so sick I spent the whole day isolating myself in the room yesterday. Feeling better today, but lost my appetite to eat. ish.... had lunch with Carol but never got to finish my bowl of beehoon soup. had 2 mouthfulls and that was it. bought a slice of watermelon and only ate half of that too. everything tasted wierd.

So damn annoyed at this.

First post using my new lappy =)

2009-08-02T10:48:00.002+08:00

Things have been rather interesting in a way...
Lets see how things go.
Let it be,
Let it be...

you can close your eyes to what you do not want to see, but you can't close your hear to what you don't want to feel.

2009-07-31T09:42:00.004+08:00

Just two nights ago, I attended the 13th INTIMA LEO Club of INTI-UC's "Appreciation Night", A night to mark the ending of my term. I'd say it was rather a night where I had some sort of bittersweet emotions going through me. After so much hard work, letting go was just plain awkward.

There still much more to be done, but I couldn't do it all. I wish I could but, Time is only given to us, without consiering how much we need. Limited as it is, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. thats all we get. Not more, not less.

I still remember that ery first week when it all came down on me. I wasnt even ready or it all, I was lost and confused. I had less than a week to buck up and get the whole bunch going. I wouldn't say that we were at the best possible situationat that moment. Everyone was demoralized from the last 12th INTIMA awards presentation and installation night as, they only got one award which most would belief was out of sympathy no for appreciating their work.

I made one promise which actually sort of haunted and pressured me me throughout my term. That promise was, "It's ok if you guys didn't get it last year, this year, I'm gonna do my best to grab our share of the awards"

I was mean, I was pushing, I was worried shitless and sleepless for many days and nights especially when they had an event or were doing something. I was so worried that every single mistake that they could have possibly make would, have some sort of long term effect in achieving our goal.

I tried not to worry, it never worked. Juggled between all this during my non academic time, and pushing hard with my assignments and projects. Thank you so much to my groupmates for bearing with my tight time constraint, we made it through also so far, achieving highest marks I think for 90% of our assignments, and thats not only for our section 5k3 but also highest compared to the other section in our batch. Not to metion getting the best buiness plan presentation award, for our our entrepreneurship project at the job and career fair.

Not many ay know as I didn't go around screaming we got the highest marks in class even beating our very own class bred "kiasu groups". I hopes this also sets a vision for the incoming term that, even with a tight schedule, it is somewhat possible. Slacking in academics due to the ack of time is just an excuse made by people who dont intend to face and solve the problem of their personal managment and motivation.

Back to the appeciation night, I brought Carol along to come as my guest. It was rather funny when I suddenly thought about using her as a motivation role model during the sharing session (sorry Carol for making you famous =D it was really random). Carol I would say was another version of me, who had graduated a semester earlier, and had her first class honors, not to mention being an Ex-Adventure Chaiperson during the 11th term and obtaining the best chairperson award and also her club obtained the Best Club award. Personally I was hoping to get the best club award for he great improvement my commitees have achieved, But I guess we were just short of that award. But, it's ok, Because in my mind I know what they can and have achieved, and I'm still proud of them!

I used Carol as a role model for them because shehas completed the whole circle including academics and being a female, I believe the incoming term has no excuse say that gender is even an issue. I'm still on my way there, but I think a First Class honor's is a long shot for me. I've put aside too much time, an I'm not exactly the kind of straight A student that qualifies for that.

I believe Carol had lots of fun that night too, I could see she was laughing like mad somehwere throughout the middle onwards. Shy in the beginning and laughing like mad later, how ironic. But I'm glad she had fun, cause, I would held resposible for dragging her there.

On the other hand, we celebrated Cha Ling and Miss Lillian's birthday that night. Coming to think of it, it was a packed night with multiple celebrations. So, Happy birthday Miss Lillian and our Leo flower Cha Ling.

It really feels wierd to let go, all of a sudden, something you worked so hard for. Putting so much effort into it, nowletting go and trusting it to another person, who will decide the fate of the whole show. Would your hardwork grow and flourish? or would it somehow fall back to the ground? Despite all confidence being given to your succesors, that thought just come naturally.

Well, I guess, I havn't come to the part about how many awards or what awards did we get this term huh?

This is what we got:

Best Social Affiliate Award -LEO CLUB

Best Community Service Award - LEO MISSION(The event where we constantly go to orphanages on weekends to give tutoring sessions)

Best Camp Award - Children's Camp 5 (our orphans and children camp)

Best Event Review - Children Camp 5 (Brainchild of TinChew ErSin and SuatLi, I had sleepless night reviewing it too you know.. =D)

Best Vice Chaiperson 1- LEO Steffi Caroline

Best Vice Chaiperson 2- LEO Ong Shi Jing (Doreen)

Best Council Member - Arthur Manfred

I am but glad that I've kept my promise to this lovely bunch of people.

Steffi,Doreen,SuatLi,Debbie,Tinhew,SiowWen,ErSin,Irene,ChaLing,DoDo,AhMoh,MeiXin,SoonHao,Serene,Adam,WeiKean and also a special thanks to Shawn Seet for always being there to lend us a helping hand!

Now I'm left with one aim, for the time being, getting through my finals. this will bethe last paper for my undergraduate, Bachelor of Marketing(Hons.), University of Hertfordshire. My degree.... closer than ever.

I hope I have the same fate as what I've achieved non-academicly. At the same time, digesting the thought of letting go. Suddenly not used to not having that burden on me anymore.

This is indeed turning out to be a long post, I shall end here, and upload the pictures in the next post.

Just got a text from my little chicken Carol(yea for today her name is little chicken), that tonight might have seats for dinner at PanPacific@ KLIA. Woots, dinner! Hmmmm interesting... We'll see what happens tonight. =)

For now, Im gonna hit the publish post button, take a shower and off to the library.!

Period!

Oh yea Carol, This goes to you.. Keep Bleedin'.. Keep Keep Bleeding..... muahahahah

Wonderwall

2009-07-28T18:36:00.002+08:00

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you.

By now you shoulda somehow realize what you gotta do,

I don't believe anybody feels the way I do about you now.

Back beat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out.

I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt.

I don't believe anybody feels the way I do about you now.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding,

and all the lights that lead us tehre are blinding,

I don't believe anybody feels the way I do about you now.

Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me,

and afterall you're my wonderwall.

Today was gonna be the day but they'll never gonna thro it back to you.

By now you shoulda somehow realize what you're not to do.

I don't believe anybody feels the way I do about you now.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding,
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding,
I don't believe anybody feels the way I do about you now.

Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me,
and afterall you're my wonderwall.

Thoughts in my head that keep me from sleeping

2009-07-26T04:22:00.004+08:00

How did I spend my last night as a president?

With my back facing the stage, and being treated like an extra.
I don't even feel like a president, from the beginning I was runnign around like a mad man, trying to get things done. trying to make things right.
And when people could start to stand on their feet, the no longer needed a president,
they just needed their fame and their fun. Their share of the slice of cake.

I guess, thats the way it goes.

5 awards mean for nothing.
when you don't feel like anything.

I think I've already done what I needed to do here.
Time for me to turn and walk away.

I am

2009-07-24T21:50:00.001+08:00

Thinking that it's rather amusing how shallow people can think.

one fine day

2009-07-24T00:07:00.002+08:00

I guess it's okay... At the end of the day, once all is done, you only have yourself.
Don't expect appreciation, don't expect people to understand.
Just be pleased that little voice inside your head knows you're doing the right thing.
It's gona be fine.

Do I?

2009-07-22T02:24:00.002+08:00

I don't know.. I don't know... I don't Know.... I don't know..... I don't know!!!!!

-

2009-07-19T13:57:00.001+08:00

All of a sudden I'm tuning to some hyper trance tracks while going through my paper...
omg what is wrong.. my room feels like a rave site.