Christmas Eve.

A Quiet one it is this year like the many years before since I came out of the comfort of home to be on my own for studies and work. All this while I persevered and told my self things were going to be different; Things are gonna' change.

This Christmas I thought was going to be different. I indeed I believed it was for a very short while this year. When she came, I thought I finally have the very least a friend, a friend that for some reason whose friendship meant a lot to me. I don't know why, maybe that's just the way it is for me.

Having lots of people around me sometimes means nothing at all. I never lacked company even during Uni. days, mom and my mentors at work and Uni said some personalities are like magnets. But I think I'm more like the magnet that pushes everything away, because I already know what I want. Not saying I don't like company, I do indeed love to share good company and laughter with friends. I just appreciate moments and time with special people even more. To me these things mean the world to me sometimes.

Maybe that's what made me so frustrated when I sort of realized perhaps it was just me that felt all this was special, and valuable. Maybe the special friend I thought I had in her was just something I hoped for but not what reality has for me. Maybe my anger is just a manifestation of my disappointment. Because, I never knew or believed I would be so angry at her, that it hurts, more than a bruise.

Since then, I have lost interest in most things and decided to just let my life revolve around work or whatever consumes the most of my time and energy. I just want to get back home at the end of the day, burned out so I can just fall asleep, not having to roll in bed going through my insomnia, having my mind wondering over things because from then on; my mind wonders over that incident like it just happened yesterday.

I even still have that bbm text of that last painful conversation in my phone. I don't even know why I still have it. everything else I have a habit of deleting periodically, but I guess this is my reminder that my reality isn't at all near perfect. Even if I tried for things to be good. other people may not necessarily think that way too.

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Today is my mum's birthday. I called her up to wish her happy birthday. Her first question to me was: what are you doing? I said I was cooking my Christmas eve dinner.
She asked me why? I just said cos my house mates are going out so are my other friends and I just feel like staying home.

I cannot believe her next remark, which was "oh why don't you invite J##e over to eat?. I stunned myself for a second or two there, I was gonna say, mom, I don't even know where she is or what she's up to., I don't think I would ever know anymore.. (well, at least that was the reply I thought of in my head).

Reality: I just mumbled something which I don't think I can even hear myself saying, which didn't makes sense and I was probably just mumbling random sounds and words.
eventually I had to do something with both hand, and then told her to hold on. So when I was back on the phone I talked about something else. My mom likes her so much why?!?

ARrGhh... rub it in mum.. rub it in... Anyway it's her birthday and she doesn't know what happen in my life on a daily basis. so I shall not complain.
Well, mom, I lost something very valuable to me, a friend, or maybe she just doesn't think I'm not worth her friendship, either way. So that's why I'm deciding to spend time alone, quietly away from all the unnecessary pressures.

I actually bought her a card to wish her Merry Christmas, but I guess this is one card that will not be sent but instead be left in the drawer. nonetheless, I hope she's having a good time. That's the least I can wish for this Christmas.

I hope things will change for others and myself.

I pray and hope, the homeless will find shelter,
The hungry will find a decent meal,
The sick will find some comfort,
The abandoned will be found,
The sad will have a reason to be happy.
People will not take things for granted and appreciate what they do already have.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas.